I Don’t Know the Steps

Have you ever asked someone for advice on how to do something, and what they tell you to do is just as unclear as your original goal? Like asking someone how to be more attractive in dating and being told to be more confident. My friend might be able to turn on the confidence switch, but I sure can’t. I wouldn’t know how. 

Recognizing that a piece of advice represents an unfamiliar skill or procedure is a big step. Usually, the moment of recognition comes as a feeling. For me, it’s a frustrated, confused pit in my stomach. I have the sense that the advice won’t really help. In the past, my response was to write off their advice because I assumed that I couldn’t do what they were suggesting. 

It’s easy to miss that there’s an unfamiliar skill involved when the advice sounds simple. To the person giving the advice, it might be simple: once we’re proficient with a skill, the step-by-step instructions fade into the background, leaving a seamless path between intention and execution. When backing out of the driveway, we no longer think about swiveling to look behind the car, depressing the clutch, shifting into reverse, easing up on the clutch while pressing down on the gas. We simply will it to happen. 

Which is all well and good for the advice-giver, but can leave us feeling a little foolish. Especially after we’ve already asked for their advice, admitting that we don’t know how to carry out their advice can be embarrassing. My tool for getting around this embarrassment or frustration in the moment is to have a go-to phrase: “I don’t know how to [do that thing you just suggested]. Can you give me step-by-step instructions?” Having a default phrase makes it so that you don’t have to figure out what to say as you manage your emotions. 

The more I do it, the easier it gets to ask for more detail. I’ve found my embarrassment is baseless: folks are happy to provide clarity. After all, the people who you go to for advice are your friends and mentors. They care far more about helping you than the fact that you need step-by-step instructions.